While going through my compendium of words, I found a word: Metanoia – the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life. One of the great Indian minds has said: Change is the only constant thing. What is it that you’ve tried to change in your life?
Recently one of my friends called me up and said that he is trying to make a change in his life. Forgiveness is what he is experimenting. Well, forgiving someone is really hard. In that endeavour he is incrementally adopting the change. He cannot adopt the change in a cold turkey style and go on saying ‘hi’ to people he hasn’t yet forgiven. First he has to forget everything that had happened in the past. He has to ensure that nothing will touch a wrong string and make it difficult for him to approach again. Next, a ‘hi’ does 75 per cent work. Once you forgive you shed the entire ‘unnecessary’ load you are carrying along with you. Whatever happens next is genuine, whole-hearted and true.
After every fall I have changed myself. The change has made me move ahead with dignity. If it was my mistake I kept it close to my heart, reminded myself of it every day, let it grow inside me and finally change myself so that I do something good that’s far more better than the mistake. In my teenage, a naughty comment on a girl’s boobs held me guilty in front of my parents, classmates, and friends. I was asked to catch my ears and say sorry to every girl in my class except a female friend who supported me. Every girl except one in the class believed that I am a pervert. What it taught me was something I adore even today. It changed me. I don’t care about what people think of me. Those who find me good live with me and those who find me bad try not to see my face. 😉 Life’s simple.
To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future –Plutarch
Every mistake has taught me something. Every hard time has given me the ability to make right decision. I don’t carry my mistakes. I carry the lessons I learned from them. At present I am facing a biggest change in my life. It’s about my own perception about me. How do I see myself? How do I live with myself? Do I make myself happy? What is it that I reflect? I am on a journey to re-invent myself. It’s incremental and continuous.
“Waiting is Painful. Forgetting is Painful. But not knowing which to do is worst kind of Suffering” – Paulo Coelho
How helpless have you ever felt? It wasn’t when I failed to pass a paper for three consecutive times, or when I worked on a project which was getting complicated every single day. I wasn’t helpless when I had no money in my pocket or when I had to spend a day without food. The quote above describes my helplessness at the moment.
A man can live on hope. WAITING for someone means hoping that the person will be with you in the future. It’s beautiful to imagine. One needs a strong will, trust, and endurance to keep such a hope. It is not necessary that you will get what you want at the time you want it. But desire to have it impels one to try harder till he gets it. Waiting in love is painful especially when your love is away and with someone else. Love is so powerful that one tends to forget himself and live for his love. What makes this easy is the fact that your love is away from you because of certain bounding, compulsion, or helplessness and not because she doesn’t love you. All you know is you are waiting for someone who loves you equally as you do.
What if your love is living happily with someone who loves her more than you do? You feel happy for her and try to FORGET her. Well that’s not easy. You are happy but at the same time you are hurt. It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In the time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
But when someone blows hot and cold in love, life becomes COMPLICATED. What if your love is not sure about her feelings for you? I never doubt my own feelings. I know what I feel for someone. At times I may doubt someone’s feelings for me, but I never doubt my feelings for someone. Falling in Love is supposed to be a happy experience and not a confusing one. I don’t give false hopes and I don’t live on false hopes. “I would come to you one day. If you are available I would be happy and if not I won’t mind because when I love it alone suffice me.” Whoa! She’s in love with me and I should wait for her. But a moment later I get to hear, “I feel strongly for you, but it is not love because love is pure madness. I haven’t yet achieved that madness.” Well this raises a hope that Johnny you’ve to try harder to make her fall. This would raise a hope and make it difficult for you to forget her. Again a moment later I hear something totally different, “I can never get committed. I am not sure if I would feel the same after few years as I feel it now. I want to see how I feel for you after four years.” Fuck! I sit down in disappointment with my hands on my head. So it’s a relationship which has everything but COMMITMENT. At times I hear this one: “We are not into any relationship.” So there is no relationship and no commitment.
I am helpless. When I am away, I restore myself. I would find a way out of it.
My mother says that my naughtiness was at its peak when I was a kid. There were many incidences when my mother used to scold me for being troublesome to others. I am afraid of my father. I used to please aai (term for mother in Marathi language) to forgive me each time and request to hide it from my father. I thought it’s very easy for aai to hide things. But she did what is right and always told him about my kand. She knew that for him to correctly advocate his parenting he must be aware of my life. Why I admire this because now I know that my parents are morally correct and I follow morals too. Recently, my friend said that she wants her daughter to know that her mom has morals. It is indeed important because our society begins from home.
Confucius says: “By three ways one can learn wisdom. First, by Reflecting which is Noblest, second by Imitating which is Easiest and third by Experience which is Bitterest.” By choosing easier path we make ourselves weak. I’ve an example to share with you. Sunidhi Chauhan, one of the leading female singers in India, gave an interview to a press magazine. The interview read that she went into a relationship at an early age in her life and got into marriage when she was 19 years old. Within a year of the relationship, she knew that nothing’s going right. Indeed, marriage at an early age was a bigger step in her life, but the right choice was yet to be made. It was very easy for her to live with her mistake and try not to improve it. But she chose to end her marriage and take care of her emotional self. It was hard step for her, but the right one. According to her, if she would have been in the same relationship (which was narrow minded and wrong in every sense), she won’t have reached where she is today. Making a right step made her strong.
I’m an atheist, but every day after having bath I burn incense stick in front of God just to remind me that I want to be a right decision maker in my life. Decisions play an important role in my life. Sometimes it’s difficult to take right decisions. But then recall the words, “Do what is Right, not what is Easy.”