While going through my compendium of words, I found a word: Metanoia – the journey of changing one’s mind, heart, self, or way of life. One of the great Indian minds has said: Change is the only constant thing. What is it that you’ve tried to change in your life?
Recently one of my friends called me up and said that he is trying to make a change in his life. Forgiveness is what he is experimenting. Well, forgiving someone is really hard. In that endeavour he is incrementally adopting the change. He cannot adopt the change in a cold turkey style and go on saying ‘hi’ to people he hasn’t yet forgiven. First he has to forget everything that had happened in the past. He has to ensure that nothing will touch a wrong string and make it difficult for him to approach again. Next, a ‘hi’ does 75 per cent work. Once you forgive you shed the entire ‘unnecessary’ load you are carrying along with you. Whatever happens next is genuine, whole-hearted and true.
After every fall I have changed myself. The change has made me move ahead with dignity. If it was my mistake I kept it close to my heart, reminded myself of it every day, let it grow inside me and finally change myself so that I do something good that’s far more better than the mistake. In my teenage, a naughty comment on a girl’s boobs held me guilty in front of my parents, classmates, and friends. I was asked to catch my ears and say sorry to every girl in my class except a female friend who supported me. Every girl except one in the class believed that I am a pervert. What it taught me was something I adore even today. It changed me. I don’t care about what people think of me. Those who find me good live with me and those who find me bad try not to see my face. 😉 Life’s simple.
To make no mistakes is not in the power of man; but from their errors and mistakes the wise and good learn wisdom for the future –Plutarch
Every mistake has taught me something. Every hard time has given me the ability to make right decision. I don’t carry my mistakes. I carry the lessons I learned from them. At present I am facing a biggest change in my life. It’s about my own perception about me. How do I see myself? How do I live with myself? Do I make myself happy? What is it that I reflect? I am on a journey to re-invent myself. It’s incremental and continuous.
(MY PERFECT SPACE FOR READING AND WRITING)
Have you ever imagined a room at your place where you can read and write? I have imagined it. I wish to build a room which is calm, tranquil, energetic and organised.
The room is rectangular in shape with alpine white colour on three of its walls. The floor is made of wood whose colour and texture complements the colour of room. It is a dark wood colour. I am sitting on a swivel chair which has two separate cushions to rest your head and lower back at a time. The base of the chair is slightly inclined. The chair has a foot-ring like a draughtsman chair where I can keep my legs and then lean and rest my back. I don’t like to get up when I write. But when I write I always find something or the other missing. The chair needs wheels to drag me to the point I want. One of the walls on my left has regular brick arrangement texture. The wall has an array of four paintings arranged in a square format. Two of the paintings have a mystery in it. Other two have a hidden message in it. Near my left leg there is a table made of glass. While sitting on the chair I am facing a transparent glass wall. Through the glass wall I see a garden with bluegrass lawn and Chamomile plants. There is a pond which has water filled for birds and my dog. The walls of the garden are made of stones with texture like the one in Maratha forts. If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. In the morning sunlight enters through the window and lightens up the room. At night the white fluorescent lamps light up the room and I see quiet, dark night outside the window. A good lighting is one of the key features of a good library.
Behind me there is a shelf where I keep my books. The shelf is made up of wood which is lavish walnut in colour. Some of the books are arranged horizontally and some vertically. Horizontal ones are thick and vertical ones are long and thin. On my right I have barometer floor reading lamp which I adjust according to my needs. It has a white light and not the traditional yellow because I find yellow one strong and exhaustive. There is a door to my right which leads to backyard. A small window to my right brings some fresh air into the room.
The top corners of the room have speakers for playing soothing music while I read. Yeah! I have the habit to listen music while reading. The room has no clock. I don’t want to limit my presence in this paradise.
“Waiting is Painful. Forgetting is Painful. But not knowing which to do is worst kind of Suffering” – Paulo Coelho
How helpless have you ever felt? It wasn’t when I failed to pass a paper for three consecutive times, or when I worked on a project which was getting complicated every single day. I wasn’t helpless when I had no money in my pocket or when I had to spend a day without food. The quote above describes my helplessness at the moment.
A man can live on hope. WAITING for someone means hoping that the person will be with you in the future. It’s beautiful to imagine. One needs a strong will, trust, and endurance to keep such a hope. It is not necessary that you will get what you want at the time you want it. But desire to have it impels one to try harder till he gets it. Waiting in love is painful especially when your love is away and with someone else. Love is so powerful that one tends to forget himself and live for his love. What makes this easy is the fact that your love is away from you because of certain bounding, compulsion, or helplessness and not because she doesn’t love you. All you know is you are waiting for someone who loves you equally as you do.
What if your love is living happily with someone who loves her more than you do? You feel happy for her and try to FORGET her. Well that’s not easy. You are happy but at the same time you are hurt. It has been said, ‘time heals all wounds’. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In the time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.
But when someone blows hot and cold in love, life becomes COMPLICATED. What if your love is not sure about her feelings for you? I never doubt my own feelings. I know what I feel for someone. At times I may doubt someone’s feelings for me, but I never doubt my feelings for someone. Falling in Love is supposed to be a happy experience and not a confusing one. I don’t give false hopes and I don’t live on false hopes. “I would come to you one day. If you are available I would be happy and if not I won’t mind because when I love it alone suffice me.” Whoa! She’s in love with me and I should wait for her. But a moment later I get to hear, “I feel strongly for you, but it is not love because love is pure madness. I haven’t yet achieved that madness.” Well this raises a hope that Johnny you’ve to try harder to make her fall. This would raise a hope and make it difficult for you to forget her. Again a moment later I hear something totally different, “I can never get committed. I am not sure if I would feel the same after few years as I feel it now. I want to see how I feel for you after four years.” Fuck! I sit down in disappointment with my hands on my head. So it’s a relationship which has everything but COMMITMENT. At times I hear this one: “We are not into any relationship.” So there is no relationship and no commitment.
I am helpless. When I am away, I restore myself. I would find a way out of it.
From past few days I am trying to write something, something about myself. Every time I start writing I end up deleting it. I ask myself a question: Who is interested in reading about me? I am not a celebrity so that people would gossip about my personal life. But finally I made it. I asked myself a set of questions: Am I interested in my own life? Am I doing something in life so that it’s worth making a note of it?
I have had always thought of living a life such that I would die writing the beautiful experience I had within my life span. When I think of my forefathers, my grandfather I always wonder how they would have lived their life. There’s a mystery. I wander asking my relatives to share something about them. Some say that my physical appearance is just like my grandpa, some say my anger is like him, some say I am totally different because he made our home a temple and on the contrary I am an atheist. Some say he too owned a black dog like I do. Some even compare us based on our sun signs – Aries. Date wise I am a Capricorn, but in India we usually follow moon sign which makes me and my grandpa Arian. Isn’t it a great idea to make a note your life happenings and keep it for others (probably your younger generations) to read? I mean, imagine you are getting to know everything from your forefathers’ past like, experiences both good and bad, thoughts, crushes, and relationships with friends, family, and life-partner. This in turn will let us know where we belong. Many-a-times I wonder why our surname changed from “Vaidya” to “Karnale”? Elders at my home says my father’s grandpa was a doctor hence our name Vaidya meaning doctor in Sanskrit. Why Karnale? There are similar questions which are left unanswered.
Now I do write. I write about my life. I write about my experiences. I write down my thoughts and views. I write to express. I write for myself and others. I write letters to love of my life (though undelivered). Sometimes I write in happiness and sometimes I write in grief. I turned 23 a week ago. With Shani (Saturn) in 10th house (मृत्यु स्थान) of my Kundli, any expert astrologer would say that I will live long (I don’t believe in astrology). Hence, I have to write a lot 😉 For that I live free, live more because I know someone would be reading it in the future. Moreover, I come close to myself, I understand myself even more. I explore the true self when I write about me. Try writing about yourself and see how many pages you can write. It’s indeed a fun, because most of us don’t know about themselves.